There aren't any excuses. I've been lazy. Lazy about cleaning. Lazy about getting my car up to date. Lazy about contacting help for my financial woes. Lazy about getting to necessary gatherings of folks who can help me keep clean and sober.
It's as if I entered a vast, lethargic phase that allows me to sleep long hours and wish to do nothing but doodle on the computer and take baths. Nothing that requires thought or work.
It isn't the same thing as the typical depression that my brain is wired to produce. It's not a chemical imbalance. It's thought imbalance. Or rather, lack of thought imbalance. I don't want to think about anything important. I want to hide. I want to dodge anything remotely resembling an idea.
The compassionate among my fellow travelers would tell me that this phase is a natural reaction to a stressful week, and that I am merely recharging my batteries. That it should be so simple. Rigorous honesty prevents me from using that escape route. The truth is, I shut the business of me down for a week and lost productivity.
On this evening, I shall attempt to jump-start the process all over again and meet with my fellow sober folks. I will not try to hide tonight. I will suit up and show up.
The truth is: I am prone to be lazy. No way around it.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
For years, I did wrong things, thought wrong thoughts, said wrong words. Finally, in the latter part of my life, I have done the right thing. This has cost me. It has cost me tears, turmoil, and the loss of family connections. There are those who say that what I have done is wrong because it conjures up ghosts from the past and resurrects those hideous memories to bring them into present daylight, thereby causing pain.
When one is haunted by something, the only way to cleanse oneself of that haunting is to bring it out into the light. Although I cannot discuss what it is that I have brought out into the light, I am convinced that it was absolutely the right thing to do. It will cleanse not only myself, but many, many other people. That which has haunted us all will be exposed and dealt with. There will be peace and justice and new life.
Years ago, I made a decision for myself that was wildly unpopular with a group of my so-called friends. They turned on me like rabid dogs, and I was devastated by their reactions. For at least a month, I hid away from all contact because I was afraid, depressed, and unsure.
A dear man who is no longer on this planet called me. He asked me this question: "If you had to make that decision again, knowing that people would react the way they have, would you still do it?" I hesitated for a moment and then said: "Yes." He said: "Then, stand by your decision and yourself. Life isn't a popularity contest, Jan. To thine own self be true."
For the first time in my life, I understood what "To thine own self be true" meant. It isn't about selfishness. It's about being able to speak the truth and live with the consequences. It's about having the courage to stick up for oneself, even if others think you are way off base. It's about knowing who you really are, and being willing to be who you really are, even if it means losing the affections of people you care about.
It isn't about doing or saying things that are deliberately hurtful, or pursuing one's own selfish agenda. It's knowing that you are doing the right thing, not only for yourself, but for others. It's knowing where you stand and how you operate, and being willing to face opposition for speaking out about it. "To thine own self be true" gives no one license to hurt others, but it does allow one to realize right and wrong, and to elect to do the right thing---even if opposed for it. I didn't come by this decision lightly, nor did I make it alone. I made the decision I made after long counsel and much discussion. I have come to acknowledge that what I have done is right. I am no longer afraid of the consequences.
I am being true to myself. And being true to others.
When one is haunted by something, the only way to cleanse oneself of that haunting is to bring it out into the light. Although I cannot discuss what it is that I have brought out into the light, I am convinced that it was absolutely the right thing to do. It will cleanse not only myself, but many, many other people. That which has haunted us all will be exposed and dealt with. There will be peace and justice and new life.
Years ago, I made a decision for myself that was wildly unpopular with a group of my so-called friends. They turned on me like rabid dogs, and I was devastated by their reactions. For at least a month, I hid away from all contact because I was afraid, depressed, and unsure.
A dear man who is no longer on this planet called me. He asked me this question: "If you had to make that decision again, knowing that people would react the way they have, would you still do it?" I hesitated for a moment and then said: "Yes." He said: "Then, stand by your decision and yourself. Life isn't a popularity contest, Jan. To thine own self be true."
For the first time in my life, I understood what "To thine own self be true" meant. It isn't about selfishness. It's about being able to speak the truth and live with the consequences. It's about having the courage to stick up for oneself, even if others think you are way off base. It's about knowing who you really are, and being willing to be who you really are, even if it means losing the affections of people you care about.
It isn't about doing or saying things that are deliberately hurtful, or pursuing one's own selfish agenda. It's knowing that you are doing the right thing, not only for yourself, but for others. It's knowing where you stand and how you operate, and being willing to face opposition for speaking out about it. "To thine own self be true" gives no one license to hurt others, but it does allow one to realize right and wrong, and to elect to do the right thing---even if opposed for it. I didn't come by this decision lightly, nor did I make it alone. I made the decision I made after long counsel and much discussion. I have come to acknowledge that what I have done is right. I am no longer afraid of the consequences.
I am being true to myself. And being true to others.
Monday, October 4, 2010
I'm Afraid
I'm afraid of this coming event. I cannot mention it. It's way too personal and way too controversial.
I am afraid of it because it requires a courage I don't feel. It requires speaking the truth. It requires that I be present and aware.
Nevertheless, I am going. I will speak the truth. I will be present and aware.
I am afraid of it because it requires a courage I don't feel. It requires speaking the truth. It requires that I be present and aware.
Nevertheless, I am going. I will speak the truth. I will be present and aware.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Lost
It's hard to say how old she is, what with the missing teeth, ravaged face, and ratty hair. She's a regular at the store. Most of the clerks despise her. She wants to borrow the store phone, or spare change, or she babbles on incessantly about how life is doing her wrong. She's an addict. I knew from the moment I saw her and heard her speak. Addicts have a way about them that screams: "I'M FUCKED UP!"
There's a saying in the sober tribe I belong to that is both sad and humorous: "What's the difference between an alcoholic and an addict? An alcoholic will steal your wallet and run. An addict will steal your wallet and hang around to help you look for it." She fits the bill, this one. I've watched her over the last few months, and the deterioration has been steady.
This morning, she enters the store and asks to use the phone again. I hand it to her and return to waiting on other people. She dials a number and begins a long, weepy, angry, prolonged conversation with her mother. I know it's her mother because she keeps repeating: "Mom! Mom! LISTEN TO ME, MOM!" It's a one-sided conversation, but I can guess from the woman's responses that her mom ain't buying what she's trying to sell her. Her rent's overdue and they're evicting her. She doesn't have a ride to her new job that she just got four days ago. Her utilities have been cut off. It's someone else's fault, not hers. Really, Mom...Are you listening to me? He's no help. I've tried that. No. No one will help me. Mom, I need a place to stay and a ride to work. MOM!
I know the machinations of her mind better than she does. Been there---done that---got the tee shirt---saw the movie. I prevailed on friends and family for help out of situations I'd gotten myself into because of my own addictions. I begged, pleaded, whined, cried, and stormed at them and the world because nothing went my way. It wasn't my fault! I just got behind, is all. Never mind that I got behind because I didn't pay the bill because I drank up the money for it. Oh, no...that couldn't POSSIBLY be the reason.
The longer I listen to her rail at her mother, the more I am reminded of those days. I'm relieved when it's six o'clock and my shift has ended and my replacement shows up to deal with the situation. I want very much to go to her and say: "This bullshit could stop right now if you are willing to let me drive you to a treatment center and check in and go through whatever they tell you to go through." I would be willing to do that for her. But, she isn't at that place yet. The place where you have to be in order to be willing to walk on coals to get some relief from the pain and madness of your life. She's still arguing with her mother when I leave the store. I drive home, feeling a little guilt that I didn't approach her and make the offer. I know that all addicts/drunks have to hit a bottom before they are willing to look up, and I'm wondering if this is enough of a bottom for her. Or, will she die? That's the choice we all have in the end. We can find a way to quit, change ourselves, and gain a new life...Or we can die. There's always jails and institutions, but death is inevitable for us if we don't find a way out of the mire.
So, before I sleep today and prepare for another night at work, I pray for her. I pray something or someone guides her to recovery. To life. To joy.
As I was.
There's a saying in the sober tribe I belong to that is both sad and humorous: "What's the difference between an alcoholic and an addict? An alcoholic will steal your wallet and run. An addict will steal your wallet and hang around to help you look for it." She fits the bill, this one. I've watched her over the last few months, and the deterioration has been steady.
This morning, she enters the store and asks to use the phone again. I hand it to her and return to waiting on other people. She dials a number and begins a long, weepy, angry, prolonged conversation with her mother. I know it's her mother because she keeps repeating: "Mom! Mom! LISTEN TO ME, MOM!" It's a one-sided conversation, but I can guess from the woman's responses that her mom ain't buying what she's trying to sell her. Her rent's overdue and they're evicting her. She doesn't have a ride to her new job that she just got four days ago. Her utilities have been cut off. It's someone else's fault, not hers. Really, Mom...Are you listening to me? He's no help. I've tried that. No. No one will help me. Mom, I need a place to stay and a ride to work. MOM!
I know the machinations of her mind better than she does. Been there---done that---got the tee shirt---saw the movie. I prevailed on friends and family for help out of situations I'd gotten myself into because of my own addictions. I begged, pleaded, whined, cried, and stormed at them and the world because nothing went my way. It wasn't my fault! I just got behind, is all. Never mind that I got behind because I didn't pay the bill because I drank up the money for it. Oh, no...that couldn't POSSIBLY be the reason.
The longer I listen to her rail at her mother, the more I am reminded of those days. I'm relieved when it's six o'clock and my shift has ended and my replacement shows up to deal with the situation. I want very much to go to her and say: "This bullshit could stop right now if you are willing to let me drive you to a treatment center and check in and go through whatever they tell you to go through." I would be willing to do that for her. But, she isn't at that place yet. The place where you have to be in order to be willing to walk on coals to get some relief from the pain and madness of your life. She's still arguing with her mother when I leave the store. I drive home, feeling a little guilt that I didn't approach her and make the offer. I know that all addicts/drunks have to hit a bottom before they are willing to look up, and I'm wondering if this is enough of a bottom for her. Or, will she die? That's the choice we all have in the end. We can find a way to quit, change ourselves, and gain a new life...Or we can die. There's always jails and institutions, but death is inevitable for us if we don't find a way out of the mire.
So, before I sleep today and prepare for another night at work, I pray for her. I pray something or someone guides her to recovery. To life. To joy.
As I was.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Honesty---What A Concept
Born into an environment where secrecy and lies were the norm, I began my career as a liar early. It's impossible to remember when I began hiding, obfuscating, and outright fibbing, but it came to me as easily as talking.
Because I was raised Catholic, religion played a large part in my thinking. The god I was taught to believe in wasn't someone I felt I could hang out with on a daily basis. Instead, I ducked and dodged Him, speaking to Him only when I was in a jam ("God, please don't let me get busted with this pot in my glove compartment!"). I didn't like the idea of a god to begin with, especially one who resembled Charlton Heston and who kept threatening to smite me for all my evil machinations. Just about everything I did or said was a mortal sin, according to the Pope and his minions, so I figured it was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan and I would be facing 25 to eternity in some kind of burning pit. My mother told me about St. Jude, who is allegedly the patron saint of Lost Causes. I figured he was my "out card", should I have come before the Big Guy and plead my case. Law and Order: Heaven's Attorney.
There was a therapist I saw, during one of my many brief attempts at self-examination, named Dr. Weiner. He was a lovely old man, and very patient. During one of our sessions, he broached the idea that I could change the way I feel and think about people and things, and that it was really my own responsibility to do so. I was appalled! WHAT? I CAN CHANGE HOW I FEEL AND THINK!? YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?! It was a completely foreign thought, quickly discarded in the face of my own selfishness and fear. Wait a minute---You mean if my husband is being a total jerk and making me feel awful, I'M SUPPOSED TO CHANGE ME??? WHAT ABOUT HIM, HUH??? WHY DOESN'T HE CHANGE???
The very idea! That I'M supposed to change---not those around me. Baloney! I wrestled with this notion for years. It's not my fault! I'm not to blame! They're being assholes! He's a jerk! Waaaaaaaah! Somebody make them STOP!
In my late thirties, I crashed. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The nadir of my existence. It was then that the process of maturity began. I liken my crash to the passage in "The Right Stuff" where a pilot is described going down with his plane and hollering into the radio: "I've tried A! I've tried B! What do I do?!" Whump! That was me. I went down in flames, hollering that I'd tried everything and nothing was working. Whump! I woke up amidst the wreckage to find that I was still alive, but empty and void of ideas. Thus, the journey began all over again. Only this time, I found the right path to walk upon.
These days, I don't have to fight honesty and personal responsibility. As distasteful as it might feel to admit I'm wrong, I do it nearly automatically. Occasionally, I still need prompting, but for the most part, I'm on it. It isn't that I've become a paragon of truth and that I never lie---that isn't real. What's changed is the inner dialogue and outer behavior. I try, on a daily basis, to be truthful with myself and others. When someone does me wrong, I take a look inward to see if I have somehow brought this on myself by my own actions or words. If it turns out I'm in the clear, then I have to let go of the whole "I'll get even with YOU!" attitude which pervaded my earlier thinking. I cannot change people, places, and things---only my own outlook upon them. Sometimes it's a pain in the tush to have to do so much self-examination, and I occasionally rebel and lapse into childish fits of "I DON'T WANNA!", but it always comes back to me: I gotta change my thinking.
The whole god thing changed right along with my thinking. I let go of the previous version of a Supreme Being and adopted one who accepts me the way I am, flaws and all, and won't send me to purgatory for being a miscreant. It isn't everyone's cup of tea as far as a spiritual philosophy, but it works for me. Being a science buff, I accept that everyone's DNA is entirely unique. If I'm going to believe in a deity who started this whole life process, then I'm going to assume that He/She/It loves uniqueness, and as such, doesn't require that all of us think the same way. That's my hypothesis, and I'm sticking to it.
Honestly.
Because I was raised Catholic, religion played a large part in my thinking. The god I was taught to believe in wasn't someone I felt I could hang out with on a daily basis. Instead, I ducked and dodged Him, speaking to Him only when I was in a jam ("God, please don't let me get busted with this pot in my glove compartment!"). I didn't like the idea of a god to begin with, especially one who resembled Charlton Heston and who kept threatening to smite me for all my evil machinations. Just about everything I did or said was a mortal sin, according to the Pope and his minions, so I figured it was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan and I would be facing 25 to eternity in some kind of burning pit. My mother told me about St. Jude, who is allegedly the patron saint of Lost Causes. I figured he was my "out card", should I have come before the Big Guy and plead my case. Law and Order: Heaven's Attorney.
There was a therapist I saw, during one of my many brief attempts at self-examination, named Dr. Weiner. He was a lovely old man, and very patient. During one of our sessions, he broached the idea that I could change the way I feel and think about people and things, and that it was really my own responsibility to do so. I was appalled! WHAT? I CAN CHANGE HOW I FEEL AND THINK!? YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?! It was a completely foreign thought, quickly discarded in the face of my own selfishness and fear. Wait a minute---You mean if my husband is being a total jerk and making me feel awful, I'M SUPPOSED TO CHANGE ME??? WHAT ABOUT HIM, HUH??? WHY DOESN'T HE CHANGE???
The very idea! That I'M supposed to change---not those around me. Baloney! I wrestled with this notion for years. It's not my fault! I'm not to blame! They're being assholes! He's a jerk! Waaaaaaaah! Somebody make them STOP!
In my late thirties, I crashed. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The nadir of my existence. It was then that the process of maturity began. I liken my crash to the passage in "The Right Stuff" where a pilot is described going down with his plane and hollering into the radio: "I've tried A! I've tried B! What do I do?!" Whump! That was me. I went down in flames, hollering that I'd tried everything and nothing was working. Whump! I woke up amidst the wreckage to find that I was still alive, but empty and void of ideas. Thus, the journey began all over again. Only this time, I found the right path to walk upon.
These days, I don't have to fight honesty and personal responsibility. As distasteful as it might feel to admit I'm wrong, I do it nearly automatically. Occasionally, I still need prompting, but for the most part, I'm on it. It isn't that I've become a paragon of truth and that I never lie---that isn't real. What's changed is the inner dialogue and outer behavior. I try, on a daily basis, to be truthful with myself and others. When someone does me wrong, I take a look inward to see if I have somehow brought this on myself by my own actions or words. If it turns out I'm in the clear, then I have to let go of the whole "I'll get even with YOU!" attitude which pervaded my earlier thinking. I cannot change people, places, and things---only my own outlook upon them. Sometimes it's a pain in the tush to have to do so much self-examination, and I occasionally rebel and lapse into childish fits of "I DON'T WANNA!", but it always comes back to me: I gotta change my thinking.
The whole god thing changed right along with my thinking. I let go of the previous version of a Supreme Being and adopted one who accepts me the way I am, flaws and all, and won't send me to purgatory for being a miscreant. It isn't everyone's cup of tea as far as a spiritual philosophy, but it works for me. Being a science buff, I accept that everyone's DNA is entirely unique. If I'm going to believe in a deity who started this whole life process, then I'm going to assume that He/She/It loves uniqueness, and as such, doesn't require that all of us think the same way. That's my hypothesis, and I'm sticking to it.
Honestly.
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