"A Thousand Nameless Fears"

Anyone who is in recovery from drugs or alcohol has heard these words before. They come from a guide that many of us use. Not until I became sober and began the process of recovery from my own alcoholism did I become willing to confront the fears that have driven me all of my life. Fear of the dark. Fear of rejection. Fear of pain. Fear of others. Fear of poverty. Fear of men. Fear of change. Fear of being lost. Fear of responsibility. Fear of success. Fear of everything, really.

Once I was able to give a name to these fears, I was able to confront them head on. ("To name a thing is to have power over it."---Ursula K. Le Guin.) It has taken years for some of these fears to dissipate or resolve themselves. Throughout this process, helping hands and hearts have been there to help me march through the darkness of fear and come through to the other side where wisdom, courage, and knowledge await. I'm not alone in this. Ask anyone who has managed to stay clean and sober for a good measure of time, and their stories will be similar to mine. It's a process; a road we all must travel if we wish to be free of those things that drove us into addiction.

Part of my process has been to face things that I've avoided dealing with. Part of the process has been confronting people who, ironically, are like how I was before I began to heal. This is happening at the place I currently work. I am confronted with someone who is full of fear, and her fear drives her to lie, manipulate, lash out, and try to control people around her. Through some work I've done recently, the fact that she is so fearful was illuminated. Because I now know what her true motivations are, I am able to relax somewhat and realize that her behavior is not my responsibility nor directed at me personally. She has been this way a long time. I'm positive I've not been the only person subjected to character traits.

Now, I am able to go to work and see her through different eyes. I'm able to see that she is driven by terror. The instinct to help someone who is in great fear has come back to me. I don't know what form my help will take. It could be that I will just be as pleasant as possible and do the work and not allow her to get to me.

Just for now, I will try to bring up compassion instead of anger. I'll keep you posted.