Back in the day, I was something of a partier. I just loved getting high or loaded and dancing and singing and carrying on like Mardi Gras. The image I had of myself was that I was a lot of fun to be with.
Of course, those more sober and rational than I saw things differently. To a lot of people, I was irresponsible, obnoxious, gossipy, aggressive, loud, petulant, moody, and lazy. I was dishonest when honesty was necessary, and angrily honest with my criticisms when it was best I keep my mouth shut. I was not a good employee; frequently late, absent, and when I deigned to show up, not very productive. I copped attitudes against co-workers and carried grudges for years for the least little slights. Nothing ever went my way, and by gawd---I was going to let you know it.
So...I sobered up and grew up. Now, all these years later and being middle-aged, I have gained the wisdom one gets when one painstakingly goes about changing one's entire outlook upon life. It took me a while, but eventually, I was able to get the hang of interacting with people without causing friction or bad feelings. I learned discretion. Rather than reacting to whatever was tossed at me, I learned to step back and think about what was going on. My manner tempered and became more laid-back, serene. I gave a day's work for a day's pay, and even a little extra if it was asked of me. Bosses began to like me---not consider me a problem. Instead of a liability, I was an asset. Instead of an enemy, I became a friend.
Not that I've become some kind of spiritually enlightened guru or anything. I'm a pain in the ass sometimes. There are times when I lose my temper---the major difference being that I don't lapse into "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK!" as an automatic response anymore. The hugest difference is that I am able to listen. I mean, really listen. Not listen for what I want to hear, but to hear what another person is truly saying. This ability to listen to others has given me a larger sense of compassion and tolerance. It's an amazing transformation. It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick, but it is still a marvel to think that I am no longer that person mentioned above.
This is more of a reminder to me than it is a message to anyone else. There is a person I work with who is very difficult. She's gossipy, overly talkative, opinionated, obnoxiously insistent on doing things her way, and dishonest. She's manipulative and phony. She has managed to alienate all of her co-workers, including myself. Unfortunately, I'm the one she works with the most, and it has taken all of my life's lessons and all of my patience not to blow my lid at her. She is exhausting to work with.
There is a lesson in here for me, beyond the obvious. I have a theory that my manager placed her on my shift for a reason. Perhaps it's because he knows I am wiser and stronger than my younger colleagues. Perhaps he trusts me to do the right things. It doesn't matter to me one way or another. What I really want is relief from her. I don't wish her ill, but I do wish she would go away. She is one of those people who sap your energy just by being in the same room with her.
I'll deal with it. I always do. I have to, in order to keep my job. Something will change about the situation, and it will probably be me. I have the capacity to change, whereas it doesn't appear that she does. Whatever it takes to get peace, I will do.
So...onward. More learning ahead.
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